Straight up, hold the magnesium

The opening bouquet of gym bag gives way to a whisper of lighter fluid

I’m a hard-drinkin’ guy. Straight tap water for me. Room temperature? No problem. Ice is for sissies. Lemon? Never touch the stuff.

Yeah, we bought a Brita, a hifalutin pitcher to filter our tap water. I don’t trust the thing. The Brita company is German, but here in the U.S., it’s operated by Clorox. Do you want the Clorox people messing with your drinking water?

I grew up in the Chicago area, with drinking fountains everywhere (in New Englandese: “bubblers”). We had Lake Michigan right there, and the Chicago River, and we pumped that stuff right into our homes and cranked the faucet and filled our glass and guzzled it down.

Ah, Chicago tap water. On the nose, one detects hints of sun-warmed alewives, and it greets the palate with notes of slaughterhouse cardboard, tannins evoking aged asphalt, with a lingering finish of steel mill machine oil, but so what? It was Chicago water, we were Chicagoans, case closed.

I eventually got tired of Midwestern winters and moved to Scottsdale, Arizona, in the searing interior of the Great Sonoran Desert, where water doesn’t naturally occur, yet you need a lot of it to keep your golf courses green.

Most of our tap water came from the Colorado River, diverted via canal to our local treatment plant. I guess that’s where they imbued our tap water with a delightful tang of minerals and chlorine.

I was not tempted by the Evian, the Fiji, the Dasani. Fie on the Saratoga, the Crystal Geyser, and all the others! Tap water, baby. Not one penny for corporate oligarchs to put water in a bottle and glue a fancy label on it and appeal to my emotional wellbeing or social status.

Sure, as soon as I arrived in Ipswich, with a Water Department established in 1894, I was warned not to drink the tap water. I can’t quite remember what the issue was ­— manganese, or magnesium, or mango-something?

It can’t have been mango — that’s my favorite fruit: rich in Vitamins C, A, E, and a smattering of B’s; good for your heart, your gut, your immune system, your vision, your skin, your cell growth, and your nerve function. (As bad as my nerves are, think what a mess I’d be without mango.)

No — since you can actually buy mango-infused water in the grocery store, I doubt the Town of Ipswich is pumping mango into the tap water.

Maybe the problem is magnesium? No, your body needs magnesium — I stayed awake long enough in high school science class to get this part. Magnesium helps build your muscles, strengthen your nerves, and steady your heart. If you need more of it, you can pick up a bottle of PowerVites at Conley’s.

The problem must be with manganese. Give me a minute, I’ll look this up.

Yes, manganese. It’s a trace mineral that your body needs, but only in very small amounts. It helps your body build strong bones and form cartilage. It gives you energy. It protects you from cell damage, and I don’t mean your phone.

You get plenty of manganese from ordinary food — nuts, grains, beans, greens. Too much manganese, however, is unhealthy; plus it makes your water taste bad: metallic, bitter, earthy, or musty. It might even leave a stain on your fixtures or your laundry.

But good news: We don’t get mangananimous tap water in Ipswich. The feds and the state have set guidelines that keep manganese levels low — not just in the healthy range but well below the tastes-yucky range.

And here in town, manganese levels are carefully monitored. Ipswich has multiple water sources, and if manganese levels go up from one source, the Town switches to another source.

So that’s not manganese I’m tasting when I drink the tap water. And yes, I’m drinking the tap water. I refuse to be deterred, under any circumst—

Wait. It’s hydrant-flushing week in my neighborhood.

Babe, could you pick up a case of Poland Spring?