Officer, I was in a hurry to get to my snowblowing class

There’s snow business like dough business

Okay, officers, everybody take a seat and we’ll get started with this morning’s patrol briefing.

Of course the big issue when you’re out there on the beat today is going to be the snow. Even after some sunshine and a little rain, we’ve got huge snowbanks in some parts of town, which creates serious visibility issues for drivers and pedestrians.

And certainly we’re concerned about health and safety — but on a practical level, let’s keep in mind that snow piles make for terrific speed traps.

I know how depressed some of you officers get in the wintertime, when there are no leaves on most of the trees and bushes, so you have fewer places to hide out in your cruisers to catch speeders.

Yes, Korzenowski, you’re especially sad when you have to give up your spot behind that big, dense thicket of shrubbery by the Our Lady of Hope parking lot.

But take heart, mates! Mother Nature has smiled on us. At the moment, we’ve been blessed with a town full of snowbanks!

Park on one side of a massive pile of snow, fire up your radar gun, and start racking up the speeding tickets.

This, my fellow officers, is an opportunity to restore your mental health. Take full advantage of it.

Keep in mind, my fellow coppers, that this is not just about public safety. Every speeding ticket is another $50 for our dear Commonwealth.

Plus another $10 for each mile-per-hour over the first 10 mph in excess of the speed limit.

Plus an additional $50 surcharge for the state’s Head Injury Fund.

You’re doing a lot of good, pulling over that speeder on outer Linebrook Road. The average speeding ticket is more than half a day’s pay for you. The more speed-ticket money we send to Boston, the kindlier those legislators are gonna feel about us here when it comes time to dole out the dollars. Who knows? There may be a great big fat bonus coming our way.

So let’s make sure we’re focusing on those folks doing 40-plus in a 25 zone.

Last I looked, there was a pretty big snow pile on the Linebrook Church parking lot. Joe, maybe you wanna check out that location today? If you hide on the east side of the pile, you’ll get those crazy Topsfielders who can’t wait to get to Cumby’s for a Cheeseburger Pizza Superslice.

Hughie, check out the Hammatt Street lot, I hear there’s a pretty good pile there. You can snag people zipping between Depot Square and Central.

Tanner, take a look at Town Hall. I think the pile at the entrance is big enough to hide a Hummer. You can nab a few of those Green Street speeders.

Manetti, take the Methodist Church. Big pile out front. Those lead-foot north-bounders on Main Street’ll never know what hit ’em.

Probably the biggest pile of all is at Elm and South Main — I can just about see it out the window here. Take that one, Eddie — and take an extra pad of tickets, for all those nasties roaring into town from down south. Hamilton! Hmph.

I think the prize may go to 174 High Street, that complex called Ipswich Village. Monster pile! Bickford, you’ll like that one: all those people pedal-to-the-metal on their way to the Bottle Shop.

Oh, I almost forgot: The Lord’s Square snow pile is so big, you can’t see vehicles coming west off of Central. Lennie, camp out there — and don’t settle for just speeders. Nail those morons who stop before turning left onto High Street.

Okay, team, here’s the new script to tape to your dashboard:

·    May I see your license, please?

·    Do you know why I pulled you over?

·    Do you know what the speed limit is here?

·    Do you know that even though you can’t see the speed limit sign because it’s completely buried in a snowbank, that’s no excuse for speeding?

Now, troops, before I send you out on your rounds, I have one more agenda item — a little preview, which I think will please you:

I’m working with the folks at Town Hall to get the townwide default speed limit temporarily dialed down from 25 mph to 15.

We’re calling it a snow emergency safety measure. Cool, huh?

Yeah, I thought you’d like that!

Even somebody who got D’s in math like me can figure out that there’s a lot of money to be made in the 15 to 25 mph range.

Judging from the number of drivers who blast through the 20 mph safety zone between Pineswamp and Lord’s Square, I think we could make a bundle.

All right, officers, get out there and snag some speeders. There’s money in them thar piles! Days like this are why they call them snowbanks.