No problem, Town Hall seniors will switch to water-pickleball

On your left, you can see the oldest continuously oper-glub-glub-glub

I was at a party with quite a number of local people, persons of good repute, and I’m glad of that because it means I have reliable witnesses.

Minding my own business, noshing on shrimp cocktail and little cucumber sandwiches, I was outrageously accosted by Ipswich resident J. Bradley Schell.

He wanted to take me to task for a recent “Outsidah” column — my rant about the Ipswich select board taking a pass on $14 million offered by the government to install a traffic light at Five Corners — was completely unnecessary.

Cornered as I was, between a very hot crockpot of weenies and a delicately balanced table full of highly combustible booze, I had no way to escape.

This is the downside of being a newspaper columnist. You may think it’s all glitz and glamor, but no; there are serious issues. People think you’re public property, wherever they may find you, available to be harangued, threatened, whatever. The emotional toll is terrible. But bodyguards are expensive. And I’m afraid to carry a gun. So I live with the security risks, and put up with the J. Bradley Schells of the world.

The entire question of a traffic light was “a moot point,” he claimed — because before you know it, downtown Ipswich will be underwater.

Well, maybe not literally “before you know it.”

Sure, Dr. Richard Alley of Penn State is now saying sea level could rise as much as 20 feet, but that’s only by the end of the century.

And according to Topographic-Map.com, Five Corners is a full 24 feet above sea level.

That means even a leisurely 74 years from now, we would still have a solid four feet to go. The northern bank of the Atlantic-swollen Ipswich River will only be at the back door of the Christian Science building.

Clearly, J. Bradley Schell was overstating the situation. This is so often true of the fanatics who attack my work.

So I stand by my original thesis. A traffic light at Five Corners would still spare us a number of accidents and injuries, and possibly save lives, over the course of the next 74 years, even as more and more folks now living in low-lying areas will be traveling toward the downtown area by boat.

(I would just take care to unplug the traffic light before the ocean reaches the light pole, to avoid nasty sparking and possible electrocution.)

On the other hand, I’m sorry to say, I often find the germ of a good idea in the tirades of those who assail me.

So it was in the case of the wild-eyed J. Bradley Schell. I must admit, his maniacal diatribe made me realize: The steady rise of the ocean year after year, drawing more and more of Ipswich under the waves, does inspire — even require — innovation.

And, in fact, there’s money to be made.

Anticipating the day when there’s water, water everywhere, I’m going into business with J. Bradley Schell.

We’re going to string a footbridge from my house (Linebrook Road, 84 feet above current sea level) to his house (High Street, 74 feet up), and then to Castle Hill (Argilla Road; those half-eagle half-lion gryphon statues at the back door of the Great House sit 169 feet above current sea level).

Once the footbridge is secure, we plan to add a bicycle lane.

This way, even well into the next century, as the Atlantic splashes up at the edges of Tractor Supply, we’ll be able to service tourists from Boxford who want to take a tour at the Crane Estate.

I can imagine profits enabling us to add a feeder route to the Turner Hill clubhouse (138 feet above sea level), and maybe a toll bridge to Little Neck.

In the meantime, however, seize this exciting business opportunity!

To get in on the ground floor — before the ground floor is where clams live — donate to our GoFundMe campaign.