If I’m not back by dinnertime, I’m on Central Street

Turn, reverse, straighten, reverse, turn, reverse, turn, forward — what’s so hard?

Welcome to our tour. I’m so glad you chose to be with us today. I can assure you, you’ve never taken a tour quite like the one we’ll be taking today. We’re going to walk the length of Central Street in downtown Ipswich, and I think you’re going to be amazed by what you learn.

Of course Central Street wasn’t always here. Indigenous people lived in this area for eons before Europeans arrived, and they were perfectly happy without pavement. They could go a steady 3 mph on foot, and that was plenty fast.

After Ipswich was co-opted by the Winthrop party, streets started happening. But the action was still mostly on foot. In the early days, everybody did 3 mph.

Then horses arrived, of course — but it would still take you a full 6 minutes in the saddle to go the length of Central Street. You could do it in 3 minutes at a trot, but who wants all that bouncing? Even if your horse was pulling you in a cart, the road was so wretched, you’d need a chiropractor by the time you got to Lord’s Square.

When cars started showing up on Central Street, the rat race began. A model T Ford could go 25 mph easy — the full length of Central Street in barely a minute. You could gun the engine and get from Choate Bridge to Dunkin in 35 seconds, although why hurry, because it would be another 80 years before Dunkin arrived.

Still, people didn’t wait around for Dunkin; they hurried from the git-go. Everyone drove like maniacs. There was no testing to get a license, no such thing as driver’s ed. By 1902, Ipswich needed speed limits. On Central Street: 10 mph. Getting busted was serious: a $200 fine and up to 10 days in jail.

But that was olden times. This is the 21st century. Cars are safer, drivers are smarter, so a 10 mph speed limit on Central would be ridic—— Oh wait. We do go 10 mph on Central Street. Because we have parallel parking! It’s a quaint throwback to a charming era that many in Ipswich strive to preserve, unencumbered by annoying scientific safety data and the tiresome efficiencies of modern life, like diagonal parking.

Here’s the highlight of our tour, folks. As we stroll along Central Street for the next 9 or 10 minutes, we’ll count perhaps 30 parallel parking spaces. Look how artfully they’re situated: about half of them are way over there, on the north side, away from most of the retail businesses.

Oh, look! There’s someone getting out of their car now — or trying to. Whoops! That passing vehicle almost took the driver’s door off! That was exciting!

Now, watch closely as the driver tries again to get out of the car. I’m so glad we happened along at this very moment, because we get to witness the phenomenon of a driver transforming into a pedestrian. It’s like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, except with tons of deadly sheet metal rolling past you at close range.

Okay, the driver is trying again. Timidly pushing the car door open, hoping to find an opening in the flow of traffic. Nope, too many cars zipping by; they’re pulling the door in again.

I know what you’re thinking: If it’s so dangerous and time-consuming to get out of a parallel-parked car on Central Street, why don’t we witness this terrifying process more often? It’s simple, really, if you ask me: Lots of folks avoid shopping in downtown Ipswich because parallel parking is such a dangerous and time-consuming hassle. Only the brave of heart are willing to risk——

Ah, let me interrupt myself — they’re taking another stab at it. Yes! They’re getting out of their car, slamming the door shut, now they’ll make a mad dash across the street to — nope, they’re trapped there, standing beside their car, a few more vehicles streaming by — okay, now there’s a gap — and — success! The butterfly has landed on the south side of Central!

But this is really your lucky day, folks, because right up ahead we’ve got a Buick SUV slowing to a crawl with its blinker on, and you know what that means! They’re going to parallel park!

Of course these moments can’t be predicted, otherwise I would have urged you to bring folding chairs and a box lunch so we could sit and snack as we watch this real-life drama unfold.

Note how all the traffic has stopped behind the SUV, which of course would be annoying enough, but the first car behind it needs to back up a little so the SUV can reverse into the proper position. Now the car behind the first car has to back up a little too. And the car behind that one. It’s sort of like gigantic dominos! So fun!

Now the SUV is gliding slowly backwards; the driver is turning the front wheels to angle into the spot. No, sorry, not quite the right angle. Gotta pull part of the way out and try again.

Oh my, not good.

I’m sorry, I should have warned you before the tour began: Anyone who’s sensitive to violence should close your eyes and cover your ears.

Okay, you can open your eyes, the driver of the SUV has decided to give up and go around the corner to the diagonal spaces on Market Street. But at least you got to witness it personally: a classic parallel-parking logjam on Central Street. This was your lucky day!

Well, that just about concludes our tour. Questions, anyone?

• “Yes, I have a question. Especially since more and more cars have safety systems that alert you when you’re backing out of a diagonal parking space... Why don’t they take out the clumsy, dangerous, time-consuming parallel parking spots along the north side of Central... and put in safer, more efficient diagonal parking on the south side of Central?”

Very good question. Sorry our time is up!